In Memorium

At a time of passing events will come in stages of planned or unforeseen moments. There are required acts of public responsibility and there are quite moments of reflection.

Where everything once began with the parent(s) now is closed with all that was his/her life entirely in the care of someone else.

Funeral Planning

Because funerals are an important event Mom/Dad may have preparations already made or perhaps not. In any case preparation can be helpful.

People will plan their funerals for a number of reasons.

• Funeral planning can help ease the pain and relieve some of the stress on family members.
• It helps give meaning to the person’s life.
• It provides an appropriate ceremony wherein family and friends can come together for grieving.
• Planning can help family members better deal with legal and financial issues.

The Funeral

Throughout history funeral rites have provided for some basic human needs. Though the ceremonies will vary depending on culture and religious beliefs there are some basic shared values that are attended to.

Funerals bring together family, friends and associates as a community of mourners. This allows participants the opportunity to share emotional support and talk about the life and death of their loved one.

Ultimately and perhaps most importantly funerals provide a sense of closure. This event is perhaps uniquely human in that it provides a brief period of reflection that can be emotional, philosophical and spiritual.

THE FEDERAL FUNERAL RULE

The Funeral Rule is a federal regulation requiring funeral homes to provide prices over the phone. This allows families to assess what options are available and associated costs. There are specific items to be considered:

• Services of the funeral director – which can include fees for consultation, meetings, notices, etc.
• Facility use – place of viewing the body and having services (services can be held elsewhere)
• Care of the body – embalming and dressing
• Transportation – transporting body to funeral home and then on to final the resting place. This may or may not include limousine service for the family.
• Additional/optional services and items – which can include caskets, urns, cremation, notices, flowers, music, dancing girls, outer burial containers, etc.

NOTE: This rule does not apply to cemeteries.

Funeral Alternatives

Our culture has evolved with the “traditional” funeral with attendant services. But more and more people are choosing alternative arrangements. These alternatives will be significantly less expensive. Which is fine. It may good to remember that a memorial service can do well to celebrate ones life and not what was spent on “services”.

• Immediate Burial – is where the body is buried shortly after death usually without embalming and in a simple container. There will be no body present but a memorial service will be just as fitting.
• Direct Cremation – may still include a funeral directors fees for transportation and attending to the body. Costs will be less than a traditional funeral. There are also organizations that specialize in cremation and services.

Funeral homes will have price lists. ASK FOR ITEMIZED COSTS IN WRITING. Compare total costs in services, caskets and outer burial containers. Sometimes called “vaults” or “liners” outer burial containers are usually required by cemeteries. These liners go around the casket and are placed to keep the ground from settling over time. Cemeteries also sell outer burial containers. Again check prices.

The federal Funeral Rule prohibits funeral homes from charging for a casket if:

1. A casket is provided from an outside source, (there are numerous casket and outer burial containers sources)
2. Direct Cremation
3. Direct burial
4. Body is donated to science

Funeral Arrangements

Funeral arrangements are pre-planned (usually made in advance by the deceased) or are made by surviving family/friends. In either situation choices will be made regarding the type of service and disposition of remains – each requiring financial decisions.

The total cost of funerals will vary depending which services and merchandise are selected and the geographic area and size of funeral. The national average cost of a funeral is around $4,500, add another $2,500 if a cemetery plot is considered. The biggest single expense can be the casket running on average about $2,000.

Cremation is becoming more popular in the latter part of the twentieth century where cremation accounts for upwards of 35% (close to 50% in California) of final dispositions. The average cost of cremation is around $250. Containers for remains can range from $25 for a hard plastic box to $1,500 or more for a fancy urn.

Itemized services that are offered can include embalming, transporting of remains, preparation of the body, caskets, urns, etc. It is important to determine if other costs are included by the funeral home or will be paid for separately. This can be cemetery or crematory charges, grave markers, and final transport of remains.

PREARRANGEMENT

Planning ahead can help relieve the stress and emotional burden that can be expected. Often a parent will assume the responsibility of prearranging the funeral plans. For surviving family this is a final act of caring and of love. Prearranged funerals may be prepaid or not.

Prepaying or prefunding allows for payment over time and relieves family of financial burdens after. As well it can alleviate the concerns about “What Dad would want” and issues involving financial limits.

Prefunding may or may not be part of pre-arrangement. Prefunding can be accomplished in a variety of ways. Two common methods are the trust fund agreement which is paid into over a period of time and administered by a trustee and through purchase of a special insurance policy. Each of these methods can be used to cover the expenses.

An option to prepaying expenses is a Totten trust. This is a “pay on death” savings account set up at a bank. A beneficiary, usually a relative, must use the money according to the instructions of the deceased. Income earned with a Totten trust is not taxable until time of death. The trust is revocable meaning the funds can be shifted to another account or the account can be closed.

People will sometimes use a life insurance policy to offset funeral expenses however it can take a while to get funds out of an insurance policy making it difficult for family members to make final arrangements.

Regardless of the type of prepaid arrangements that are made it is recommended that a family member, friend or executor be named as beneficiary rather than the funeral home. This allows for better control and accounting of the deceased investment.

There are other options in prepayment such as CD’s that are paid upon death to the funeral director or home. State laws will vary concerning the use of this and other options. Therefor it is advised to check. A good place to do this is with the local funeral director

There are some concerns that should be addressed regarding prepaid arrangements. If you or a close family member are the ones likely to be responsible for the handling of matters concerning the folks, it might be wise to address these concerns in advance least they become problematic at the time when it is most difficult.

Here are some basic issues that should be addressed:

• How does the plan work and how does one activate it? Who do you need to contact to make it operational?
• Is it fully paid and if so is any part refundable? Which expenses does it cover and are there any cost increase? Is the plan interest bearing? If so who collects the interest and pays taxes on it?
• Is there a named beneficiary such as a specific funeral director or trustee? How do you contact them?
• Are there provisions for you to be contacted?
• What arrangements can the funeral home be expected to make? What if the funeral home has gone out of business or is sold?

 
It is likely that if a parent has put forth the effort to prearrange a funeral they may also be knowledgeable about the issues raised here. Prearranging one’s own funeral is personal and thoughtfully planned.

Funeral directors provide a great many services. If there have been no prearrangements funeral directors will be even more valuable to surviving family as there are many functions and activities to be readied. Some of the services that a funeral director can assist you with are:

• Transporting the deceased to the funeral home
• Help family choose time, place, type of service, options, etc.
• Provide information and assistance with the death certificate, obituary government benefit claim forms, etc.
• Provide information and assistance with the death certificate, obituary government benefit claim forms, etc.
• Assist with selection of casket, urn, memorial markers and so forth
  Provide advice about customs, pallbearers, arranging clergy, flowers, etc.

WHEN DEATH ARRIVES

Prepared for or not, a time of passing will have an emotional impact. There is nothing that can adequately prepare one for the death of a loved one. It may have been anticipated and as sometimes said, “for the better to end the suffering” such as the case following a long illness.

Still however the passing of a parent can leave a void in ones own sense of being. It can be natural to be overcome with feelings mixed with emotions, helplessness and panic. Notification of family and close friends as a first priority can provide comfort and support.

If there has been an emergency there should be, ideally, a Durable Power of Attorney already in place (see legal sec.) If death occurs while not in the attendance of a doctor or if the doctor is uncertain of cause of death the county medical examiner or coroner may be called.

A “Remembrance Guide” lists biographical information that will be helpful to have. This guide is composed from a variety of lists that contain facts and information that will be useful. Sometimes data is collected from death certificates that the government uses for statistical purposes only but may also be useful for obituary purposes, i.e., What kind of work did Dad do?

If you are faced with the difficulty of losing a parent who is at a great distance you should immediately enlist additional support from the folk’s neighbors, relatives, friends, clergy and funeral directors if possible. Here again it is wise to have a current list with contact information of these people.

Final Disposition

Each person and every family will come to make a choice about the final disposition of the remains of the deceased. This decision will come about based on the family’s personal beliefs and appropriate feelings held for the deceased.

INTERNMENT or Earth Burial is still the most common form of disposition in this country. Culturally speaking it is perhaps engrained in our beliefs that there be a particular spot, a gravesite, wherein those close can go to remember the person who died.

There are options for burial sites that can be considered. Cemeteries may be owned by churches, religious groups, privately or by municipal agencies (i.e. cities, counties,etc.) A veteran could be eligible for interment in a state or national cemetery. Good information is available at www.cem.va.gov

A full service funeral home will be one that has or is allied with a cemetery.

Typically cemeteries have some guidelines on the type of services and monuments that they can accommodate. The funeral director should be able to provide some assistance here.

ENTOMBMENT is much like an internment in that the body is placed in a fixed, identifiable place. Usually the casket is placed in a mausoleum, which is an above ground structure. Mausoleums can vary in size, accommodations and so forth.

CREMATION will usually have the funeral services with appropriate ceremonies and visitation. The remains can be buried, entombed or scattered.

Burial or entombment of cremated remains is much like the traditional deposition of remains. Urns or other containers can be placed in a columbium. Space is the consideration here. Since there is physically much less to handle and permanently place the cost can be considerably less.

Scattering can be accomplished in a variety of ways. There are commercial aviation and boating services available that will scatter the remains over forests, mountains and the sea. Every State has regulations concerning the scattering of remains.

An important fact to keep in mind. Once the remains have been distributed over the ocean or a mountain range there will be no “place” to physically visit or pay respects at a later date.

An alternative is what is commonly called “scattering gardens” located in cemeteries and some church or memorial grounds. Usually a small plaque can be mounted nearby.

Another option is the family will keep cremated remains in an urn or other appropriate container, usually at home.

When a body goes to a crematorium it arrives in a casket or other acceptable container where it is left undisturbed and placed in a retort or furnace. At temperatures up to 2500 degrees F. the body through heat and evaporation is reduced to 3 to 10 pounds of fragments within 2-3 hours. Later the remains are placed in the appropriate/requested container.

DIRECT DISPOSITION is the immediate cremation and disposition of the body with no funeral services. Sometimes the family will gather for an informal memorial usually at the home of the deceased.

GRIEVING
Grief is the natural expression of feelings of loss. Every individual experiences grief in a unique, emotional way. These emotions can be:

• Anger – One can be upset, the loss was unfair
• Shock – dismay, disbelieve and denial
• Guilt – regret of actions not taken
• Depression – little or no interest in life
• Loneliness – void felt by the absence of a loved one

During this difficult time you will be occupied with variety of tasks and responsibilities one is not normally accustomed to. Throughout this period friends and family will want to provide solace and assistance. Making meals, running errands, watching after children are small yet significant ways people assist and support one another during the grieving period. On some scale these actions portray an act of bonding that denote thoughtfulness and caring in remembrance.

DEATH CERTIFICATE
In the United States there is no uniform or standard Death Certificate. Each state has a different death certificate. Nonetheless each certificate will require information on the deceased that may not be readily at hand when the time comes which is why it is wise to try and get a lot of the “Paperwork” out of the way ahead of time.

Because each state has different guidelines concerning the completion of the death certificate it is suggested to try and determine what requirements will be required to proceed with funeral services. You may be the family INFORMANT, if you are the one responsible for organizing or in contact with the funeral director

EMBALMING
This is the process of preserving the body for a period of time. Some faiths and religions forbid embalming since bodily fluids are removed and thus not all of the earthly remains may go back into the earth. Embalming will be a consideration depending on locally prescribed laws and the determination of final disposition of the remains.

TRANSPORTING
In these modern times because we often live great distances from our families it often necessary to transport remains. Airlines have regulations that require bodies to be either embalmed or in sealed metal containers. Family customs or religious beliefs may be a factor to consider.

Public Notice

Everyone is a part of a community. As family member you may not have known the impact someone such as your parent had in the community. Whether Mom/Dad was a pharmacist, an advertising manager or a homemaker they had some degree of influence with people they came into contact with, perhaps some unknown to you. This sphere of people may have conducted business, attended church, volunteered in a service organization or a variety of other activities with your parent(s).

Due to the unique life and circumstances in the passing of your parent, these people may not be aware that they have lost a friend.

Generally most people do not write or create their own obituaries. Nonetheless it may be important for you or other family member or friend to ensure that an obituary is placed in the local paper. If you are using a funeral home the director can assist with this.

Every community has a newspaper with a section for “Death Notices” and/or “Obituaries”. There are some common journalistic terms, which can help clarify these notices.

Death Notices are generally a short factual notice published by the paper as a courtesy to the family. Typically information is accepted only mortuaries or funeral directors. The notice will list name, address, occupation, date of death and date, time and location of services.

Funeral Announcements are a paid announcement that allows family or others to write their own remembrances. Again this will come through the funeral director.

Obituaries are short life stories often about “ordinary people” who happened to have impact on the lives of people in their community. This is news and local newspapers strife to provide this information to their readership. Every life is a story. Contact the local newspaper.

Unattended Death
An unattended death is a death that occurs while not in the presence of medical personnel. Call the police. If the deceased has not been under recent care of a doctor the coroner’s office will then be contacted.

Lists of Things to Do

It is a good idea to keep lists of information. Chances are if caring for an elder already you have some forms of lists, friends, doctors and so forth. In time you and other family members can add more relevant information.

• Persons to contact – phone numbers
• Information on deceased – Date/location of birth, family
• Soc. Sec #
• Obituary
• Contact Veterans Administration (if there was military service)
• Acquire “several” copies of Death Certificate

 
Things to do – Funeral Arrangements Call Families________________names, numbers
Call Friends ________________names, numbers
Funeral Home ________(if necessary)
Death Certificates_________(several copies)__________
Contact Social Security______________
Contact VA________(if necessary)___________
Other_____________
Other_____________

Time of Death – People to Notify
Doctor or coroner

Funeral Director and cemetery

Clergy or_____

Newspaper – or mortuary may submit obituary

List relatives and friends to be contacted – include phone #’s

NOTE: TheKeysPlease (TKP) will soon have an online service which can be useful. The TKP “Family Legacy” is a part of the TKP E-vaulting service. Here lists and other useful family information can be safely archived and retrieved. For purposes of funeral preparation, information kept here can be extremely useful especially if it is current.

Resources – links, etc

LINKS
www.funerals.org – Funeral Consumers Alliance
www.nfda.org – National Funeral Directors Assoc.
www.bbb.org – Better Business Bureau
www.fea.org – Funeral Ethics Assoc.
www.aarp.org – American Assoc. of Retired People

HELPFUL READING

“Losing a Parent: Passage to a New Way of Living” by Alexandra Kennedy – Harper

“How to Survive the Loss of a Parent: A Guide for Adults” by Lois F. Akner, Catherine Whitney – Quill

“Finding Your Way After Your Parent Dies” by Richard B. Gilbert, Darcie D. Sims – Ave Maria Press

“When Parents Die: A Guide for Adults” by Edward Myers – Penguin

“Losing Your Parents, Finding Yourself: The Defining Turning Point of Adult Life” by Victoria Secunda – Hyperion

“Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss” by Hope Edelman – Delta

“Midlife Orphan: Facing Life’s Changes Now That Your Parents Are Gone” by Jane Brooks – Berkley Publishing

“Matters of Life and Death: Finding the Words to Sa Goodbye” by Carol Wogrin – Broadway Books

“Fatherless Women: How We Change After We Lose Our Dads” by Clea Simon – Wiley and Sons

“Fatherloss: How Sons of All Ages Come to Terms With the Deaths of Their Dads” by Neil Chethik – Hyperion

“Nobody’s Child Anymore: Grieving, Caring and Comforting When Parents Die” by Barbara Bartocci – Sorin Books

“The Orphaned Adult: Understanding and Coping with Grief and Change After the Death of Our Parents” by Alexander Levy – Perseus Books